Jolly Pumpkin Luciérnaga

  

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Jolly Pumpkin Luciérnaga
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

Omigod Ommegang! This reminds me of the Three Philosophers but with an elevated alcohol content and spice feelers I soon forget about that unfortunate wine-beer and direct myself towards the spiritual. Of ascending church steeples and descending bodies in genuflecting waves going up-down up-down. Some bedraggled saint has his face pressed against the stain glass crying knowing that the earth will never suffer as it has sewn. And so being a lit fool is said to be the worst way to review a beer but I disagree. As one should write as close to unconsciousness as is possible to write in a dream-state so should he think about spirits. Ghosts and yeasty succulence flitter away. So comes bliss.

-Wörtwurst

Guinness Extra Stout

  

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Guinness Extra Stout
Guinness Ltd.
Ireland

I forgive you Guinness for my first taste of dark beer and my ensuing black-balling of all beer dark and not afterwards. I've never been a drinker and especially not in quantity. But recently the first part of that equation changed and I've tried as much varitety as I can afford on a plebian salary. This is baker's chocolate dense and dark in the membrane all the way through to its black heart. A dry dark with some carmel lacing that makes my vertigo fogginess a little deeper and soupier at the base of the brain. I don't recommend this with Dramamine but maybe with a plopping of ice cream in the side-car dish of your hazy summer.

-Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin Madrugada Obscura

  

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Jolly Pumpkin Madrugada Obscura
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

This is where other beers come to be decimated and pronounced simpleton swills of bulging Amerigo. In fact this is the war of the worlds brew that comes out of the ground and goes GEEEEEEEEEEEEE GLEEEEEEENNNNK and then starts zapping people and turns them to quivering dust piles. I saw a man carrying a case of Bud Light walking in 95 degree heat as I was driving towards the Jolly Pumpkin headquarters today and I cursed his existence and made inside my brain those exact same GLLLLLLLEEEKEKKEKE sounds and he was gone from the face of the planet beer. I pulled in and mooched three samples with this being the last and bought three bottles with this being the first tasted. What you have here is a copper bodice and the queen is being fed chinked off pieces of the Sphinx and grape wine and the blood of three virgins. Her hair is flaming and her mouth is cursed with the comprachico's everpresent and everlasting grin-smirk-smile. You have a porter with God's little magic wand in it making a mushroom cloud of exploding suds that implodes from the center down in a burst of purple froth. You have to harness this head because it whips around and screams and threatens to put your life in the dustbowl if you don't dive right in and become overcome by excellence.

-Wörtwurst

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

  
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Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Sierra Nevada Brewing Co.
Chico, CA

Fishbine, we meet again. I've said this before with the Bell's Two Hearted Ale and I reiterate it here: I simply don't get the appeal of pale ales with their citrusy rind taste. It's an intentional thing but comes through like a tragic mistake. Why muddle an otherwise smooth and creamy beer with a brunt anvil of flavor? It warms a lot better than the Two Hearted Ale but the sugar-sucked lemon-orange squeeze of bitterness gives me no joy. Stan Heironymus, send in the Trappist Monks, the abbey has been overridden by a bitter toucan named Sam.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Pale Ale

  
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Samuel Adams Pale Ale
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

Most of the pale ales that I have had have been so off-putting and/or blandly plain that I reject them offhandedly. But with Samuel Adams I expected what I got: a smooooooth and I reiterate smoooooth beer with none of the acrid aftertaste of listerine in the bite back. Like a good melon that you can lick the sweat off its forehead and then bite into the fruit without reprecussions of bitter or brunt. Then again those other pale ales could double as holistic urine therapy for the incurably sick.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Boston Lager

  
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Samuel Adams Boston Lager
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

A muscular blonde with serious density. Busty and thick legged with a heavy lusty swallow to it. A come hither lager that walks on its own and sits on your lap and stays for drinks after a show. You may even want to call it toots if you're brash and chauvanistic enough. But I'd just call it lunch or dinner if I was a better man.

-Wörtwurst

Paulaner Oktoberfest

  
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Paulaner Oktoberfest
Paulaner Brewing Co.
Munich, Germany

I'm not sure which German harvest or pagan God this Oktoberfest commemorates or for how long it lasts or what else occurs besides the imbibing of spirits but it sure is a sweet bit of carmel. Frothy and dark as a wet cave it leaves a mein kampf mustachio on your lip and the feeling that you too can overthrow Poland at some point in your storied life and seize Chopin's heart from its tomb in the pillar at Holy Cross Church in Krakowskie.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat

  
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Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

"Tastes like cough syrup." - Trüb

But I say cherry cherry in your tree/jump down on the ground and make a pie with me. All right so those are obscure lyrics but this is a serious fruit beer. A wild dose of cherry extract and a toastiness that conjures up the taste of those cherry cordial cakes that come in a box of eight for $1.50. You may have foolhardy tastebuds and think otherwise and that is your right as an Orangutan-American just don't get all persnickety with me when I tell you that this is a top shelf cosmo-brew. Space helmet not included.

-Wörtwurst

Sleeman Silver Creek Lager

  
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Sleeman Silver Creek Lager
Sleeman Brewing Co.
Ontario, Canada

The next time you're going to haul gravel, cut the lawn, pull up carpet, shingle the roof, run a marathon, do yoga, go swimming, go fishing, drag race, cook steaks on the grill, plant trees, do gardening, go bowling, catch a doubleheader, sky dive, backpack up Freemont Peak, prospect in the desert, visit the Valley of Fire, hitchhike to Florida, camp at the Grand Canyon, jackhammer, play volleyball, fan the queen under the greenwood tree make sure you buy a 6 pack of Sleeman's Silver Creek Lager for $4.99 and refresh afterwards.

-Wörtwurst

MacTarnahan's Black Watch Cream Porter

  
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MacTarnahan's Black Watch Cream Porter
Portland Brewing Co.
Portland, Oregon, US

You know when you first saw a marshmallow being burnt to a crisp by somebody whilst you twirled yours round and round and watched it grow darker and darker from yellow to tan to brown and finally explode into flame and you felt betrayed? That is until after several lost attempts and you finally tried the burnt marshmallow and found goodness within it. That's what these porters are like. You first look at them and think they are a sort of beefy soup when you've been accustomed to golden dainty ones all your life. Then you have one and they are beefy but with that burnt sweetness of a marshmallow. There ain't no sorrow in learning the hard way. Great rewards come from having been burnt. Just ask Lazarus.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Summer Ale

  
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Samuel Adams Summer Ale
Boston Brewing Company
Boston, MA

Let's make it country simple: summer is a nasty little wench. You sweat, the dogs get fleas, the grass burns up and your woman makes merry behind the bush with a man with muscles and tattoos and a goatee. Summer isn't for you. But being as misery is man's constant companion he needs something to knock back his head like a soft little hammer and bring on subtle displays of fireworks and enjoyment. Here's where Samuel Adams comes into play. You see, they make the best beer in America. I know all of these brew-gurus blast off little soliliquoys expounding upon foreign yeasts by companies with intricate brew talents and clever little brand names but these guys are the microbrew with the big company expertise in consistency and quality. Snap the top off this thing like one of those wax bottles of sugar juice you used to get as a kid and sop it up with your hot swollen tongue. It's like drinking nectar from a sponge with subtle hints of mushrooms? Yeast, fungii, rock candy. Stand back with your piss-pucker salute ye drinkers of Budweiser while I explode like a rocket over Damascus.

-Wörtwurst

Local Color Novi Pilsner

  
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Local Color Novi Pilsner
Local Color Brewing Company
Novi, MI

On a three-half-beer night of discounted micro-brewery Pumpkin Ale and White Rascal Wheat Ale shared with Trüb, your faithful boozehound Wörtwurst is going to impart a little piece of oral history here. Well maybe it's a little bit of factual history but what you're going to get is oral history. Novi, MI is a growing city about 45 minutes northwest of downtown Detroit (this part is factual) which was named for it's mark as a railroad stop (No. 6; thus No.: number -VI: roman numeral 6). That said, I've mostly lost track of the hour or so ago when I tasted this beer. From what I remember it had a wispy off-kilter summery taste of starched shirts and underwear flapping in the breeze on the clothesline. Something you'd drink after sticking your big snout in the mud with the other piglets. It gave hints that an aftertaste should be expected but it never came, thus it wasn't too bad. Being the dustiest of the clearance bottom shelf brews I expected the least and of the 3/8 consumed it ranks 6th (if this is possible). A couple notches above average but with the knowledge that average means not spending more than 5 or 6 bucks for a six pack. 2.75 sweaty summertide armpits.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Organic Extra Special Bitter

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Lakefront Organic Extra Special Bitter
Lakefront Brewing Co.
Milwaukee, WI

War is bitterness. Lost love is too. A lemon frollicking at your fipple defines such a thing. But in beerspeak this isn't particularly bitter but then again it is. Somewhat tart and tangy are the proper adjectives. In beerspeak it simply means fruity. Not overly fruity like Boy George but more like Freddie Mercury was. Something you can get behind and sing power ballads to and not feel inundated by the subtle feminine qualities. Plus, you as a man and she-man, have the inate power of growing a mustache (hormones madam) to rectify any dibilitating loss of character. Or maybe you don't. There's always horse hair remedies for that.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Cream City Pale Ale

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Lakefront Cream City Pale Ale
Lakefront Brewing Co.
Milwaukee, WI

This ain't no fishbine. It's not Samuel Adams Summer Ale either but it is a drinkable little tart. Hell it could even be used as aftershave to sparkle up your chops and chin and keep you smelling wonderful for the ladies and the yellow jackets. Under your arms and you can use reverse osmosis to get your daily fix of alcohol and sanity. I do not recommend running your car by this but it is suitable for every other summertime activity, especially for following the TIGERS to the American League pennant.

-Wörtwurst

Atlantic Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

  

Atlantic Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale
Atlantic Brewing Company
Bar Harbor & Portland, ME

It goes without saying that once or twice a year everybody should have a beer in the morning (especially in a hot bath). This might get you referred to as a lush, a lush in the making or a person of ill repute. Don't let this deter you from your annual or bi-annual treat.

I'm not in the tub but looking at the harbor scene on this bottle I kind of feel like I am near a body of water. No, now's not the time to insert the percent of alcohol contained within joke! But this is a summer beer good for sitting under an umbrella(no, I don't sit under umbrellas, but you probably do) at the beach pretending that you're drinking a nice juice cocktail. There's a minor note of blueberry in the finish of this very smooth ale which when it warms almost begins to taste like a sweet wine. But it's not. It's breakfast...for today anyway.

Wörtwurst

Bell's Two Hearted Ale

  

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Bell's Two Hearted Ale
Bell's Brewing Company
Kalamazoo, MI

Henceforth I'm going to call this beer Fishbine. Not because it tastes like fish but because even the fish on the label ain't biiiii-ne into the hype of the Two Hearted Ale by Bell's. Bell's makes great beer but they also make craft beers and in doing so there are always extremes. Much more brusk than the aftertaste of Oberon, this beer has a citrus bite that rivals the pungent meat of the rind. It literally is rind beer. I know that it is lauded as a summertime delicacy but it is more like drinking the broth of a lemorange peel that sat out in the sun too long and then was chilled. No goodness here.

Wörtwurst

New Holland The Poet Stout

New Holland The Poet Stout
New Holland Brewing Company
Holland, MI

You know a brew is special to me when I pour it into my vintage 8 oz glass with the raised painted owls on it(I didn't have a camera then. I do now!). And it certainly is! This is the darkest chocolate coffee stout that I've had yet. Throw in some rolled oats and you've got a new favorite fourth meal! It's a double-barrelled swarzbier, a stout that I can imagine three guys man-handling the Keebler elf and his latest bacth of chocolate chip cookies into the wort mixer and stirring until the foam rises to the top leaving a creamsicle circle about the rim of the vat.

Poet-wise, being that is its namesake, it is Etheridge Knight: black, brunt and over-the-top sans the profanity and emotional irascibility. It's not quite as severe as joining the black panthers but there is a portent to extreme things waiting inside this bottle. Just don't drink it at the local coffee house or you might be pre-disposed to wrangle with some old man-haired poetess who reaches the divine muse via Granny Clampett and the fat man sitting in the corner perspiring poetry with a cheshire grin on his face always exclaiming with contained joy, "Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Yes. Mmmmm."


Wörtwurst

Lakefront Riverwest Stein

  
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Lakefront Riverwest Stein
Lakefront Brewing Co.
Milwaukee, WI

This little confection reminds me of an Oktoberfest in that it's not overly dark, has hints of roasted and toasted goodness and a smidge of sweetness to it. Nothing out of the ordinary or extraordinary. Just some ground up nuts and tree sap and fermentables. But seeing as I have nothing "wise" or "witty" to say about it it should be noted that I would recommend you tasting it but not buying stock in the company.

-Wörtwurst

Update 11-10-2006

Had this one again last night after a long bout of boxing books and damn this one tasted brilliant. Not many hints of the previous mention of dark qualities whatsover but a wheaty sweetness that slapped my tongue around in rollicksome goodness. This and the Klisch are top feeders for me.

Lakefront Klisch Pilsner

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Lakefront Klisch Pilsner
Lakefront Brewing Co.
Milwaukee, WI

Hello fruity dendron! I've been harping on and against Lakefront for putting out generic corporate beers at times but this one is a bit brilliant. Sweet and potent and nothing bland about it. No aftertaste or spasms in my throat from this caffeine of candies. I generally dislike the amber brews but this one feeds me heartily my daily dose of sweet and moxie. I doubt I could drink more than one in a sitting but with a festive mud companion this one more than makes it a happy match of spirits.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Snake Chaser Irish Stout

  
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Lakefront Snake Chaser Irish Stout
Lakefront Brewing
Milwaukee, WI

When I was in third grade Ms. Weinberg used to put a bear on her desk on the certain days that she was grouchy and would warn us, "Don't cross me when the bear is out." These were days when she would deliver fatal blows to students: "This is the worst handwriting I've ever seen. Go home tonight and practice until you can write in perfect cursive." I wish Lakefront Brewery had a bear to put out on their bottles to indicate when a brew is a dirty little imitator. They are so hit and miss for a microbrew that it is almost confounding how decent one beer tastes as compared to another's blandness. Then again I dislike the pale ales and ESBs so what do I know? Luckily this one isn't one of the off ones. It delivers a reasonable dark stout flavor with a hint of sweetness. No kissing the urine soaked Blarney stone here.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Cattail Ale

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Lakefront Cattail Ale
Lakefront Brewing
Milwaukee, WI

I have a conspiracy theory. It starts with Old Milwaukee having a fire sale and selling the vast majority of their overstock to Lakefront Brewers. In turn Lakefront puts pleasant little labels on these ordinary brews and calls them craft beers. There is no added value whatsoever in having a craft beer that tastes just like the common rung corporate swill. OK so it's not Budweiser but then again it isn't Dortmunder Gold either.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Bock

  
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Lakefront Bock
Lakefront Brewing
Milwaukee, WI

I know there's a difference between "malt" and "a malt" but this reminds me of a little of each. The creaminess is inherent but the caramel is teased in with minimal carbonation and makes a warm puddle of dark liquer in the stomach. It's what I expected of the Eastside (by the same brewer) and didn't receive. Or it could just be the electricity from tonight's thunderstorm ambience which is tricking my tastebuds but I don't think so.

-Wörtwurst

Lakefront Eastside Dark

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Lakefront Eastside Dark
Lakefront Brewing
Milwaukee, WI

You know the fake Mona Lisa with the mustache painted on? This beer is that but with a stinky little Budweiser foamscud caterpillar 'stache. It tries to have body and be a dark being but if you rinse the mud off it has a corporate label taste across its chest and through the neck and away it goes to blasé land. Poor little penny ante brew.

-Wörtwurst

Lion Stout

  
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Lion Stout
Ceylon/Lion Brewery Ltd.
Nuwara Eliya & Biyagama, Sri Lanka

In between bites of my bologna and mustard sandwich and dabblings in the fine delicacies of M&Ms chocolates and swigs of Lion Stout I can't help but be reminded of St. Augustine: "All things that are corrupted are deprived of good. But if they are deprived of all good, they will cease to exist. In so far as they exist they are good. Evil is no substance." But how can this be when EVIL is the man who has never gotten his PAWS around a LION STOUT?!?!

So what is it about me and coffee? I've never drunk the stuff more than 10 times in my life and each time with more sugar than a Pepsi and half milk. I'm a late comer to beer as well so it's quite peculiar that in concert these two should form the corpus of my favorite brews. I literally want to hug this lion. Both for the 8% alcohol involuntary lovefest and also to squeeze the daylights out of Michael Jackson (the brew guru) and his big mustache who adorn the back label. It also comes in a top-notch case which is as good looking as a hat box. 5 knocking stars and filaments.

-Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin Oro de Calabaza

  
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Jolly Pumpkin Oro de Calabaza
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

This beer reminds me of the orange juice commercial where they strip back the carton and there is pulpy flesh underneath and then a spout is opened and the juice pours ripe from the box. Well, put a keg tap into a bag of Brachs' spicy gum drops with some fine festering yeast and spring water and here's what you have: a tart beer gumdrop. A peppery confection that froths with an infected head. I mean this in a good way. Like when a rich pumpkin pie and whipped cream begin to swirl and meld together from a thorough forking. As with all the Jolly Pumpkin beers they leave you thinking "designer beer" but also, "one more bottle to figure out if I like it." Yes I do.

-Wörtwurst

Beck's Dark

  
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Beck's Dark
Brauerei Beck & Co.
Bremen, Germany

This is a man and this man says "beef to you!" Stocky, robust, with a few tacks to your tongue and then it's out and bleeding you dry. Not the coffee chocolate burning flambé of my daddy Samuel Adams Black Lager but the boxer that breaks your balls and then ices your chin for show kind of beer. Fo' sho'! Bites a little hard for me but then again I'm probably the closest thing to a man-bitch that still enjoys his women and swears at baseball games and guys named BILLY COLLINS! 2.97777 pig nips.

-Wörtwurst

Avery White Rascal

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Avery White Rascal Belgian Style Wheat Ale
Avery Brewing Company
Boulder, CO

This brew reminds me of a combination of two distinctly unconnected things: Chloroseptic and the twelfth Budweiser at a high school party when you are drinking simply to drink. OK...maybe they are a bit intertwined after all. Anyhow, the first whiff and sud taste said "peanuts"(of all things) but after that was the underwhelming and underacheiving generic sud-scud sinking me into beer blahhood. Not overly bad but not worth writing very much about either. 2 sinking moon-bombs.

-Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin Calabaza Blanca

  

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Jolly Pumpkin Calabaza Blanca
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

In the "Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" the mystical G. P. never arrives much to Linus's chagrin. In the Jolly Pumpkin's world it's the pumpkin ale that never arrives. What? Contrary to popular belief and local legend these guys don't put out a brew befitting their moniker. Anywho...what they do deliver is a spice-rack bed of Procrustes. Of the few I've tried (at the brewery from the tap and in single bottles) the spices over-ride the smooth creaminess of otherwise excellent beer. This one is the exception so far. There's enough tang in it to let you know that you've been with a tart but not enough spice to make you fret that you have been infected with her malty infarction. Scared little man? Ish Kabibble...I should worry? No! Not me!

-Wörtwurst

Ommegang Three Philosophers

  

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Ommegang Three Philosophers
Brewery Ommegang
Cooperstown, NY

I fixed up a yeoman's feast while Trüb strained to open the vintage Three Philosophers with his mustachio heavily persperating into the glory hole of nectar. Afterall, one should never bloody his apron with the tumescence of ghoulish beers while his dick-butler(euphemism for personal home-plebe) lurks near! Well, this wasn't as ghastly as it was NOT BEER. It was undercarbonated BAMPAGNE. A gassy little beer in a big time bottle. It uncorked, it bit and it sang like bubbly. Not even the dancing porkchops could make it beer. The peppers of yellow, red and green cajoled it to be but it could not. I even asked it politely to salutate with a ham-fisted beer 'ello but it said no sir. Get your violin and bree cheese out because the French waiter and weird sounding police cars are going to buzz by your summertime window with this one. Rap tap table tap.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Black Lager

  

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Samuel Adams Black Lager
The Boston Beer Company
Boston, MA



O my good daddy who built me with my knockers on the low! I love this sap! It is the perfect accoutrement for the low-class denizen desserter of Keebler cookies and Chips Ahoy! I'm not a fan of coffee but this reminds me of coffee with a dark chocolate brain. It thinks burnt but says savor. I could easily become a drunk rotting my teeth out further on this brimmed black wizened wine of puddings! All stars here along with his step uncle SCHWARZ!

-Wörtwurst

Bell's Porter

  

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Bell's Porter
Bell's Brewery
Kalamazoo, MI

Tubal, Gog, Magog, Rosh, Meshech and Gomer walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh my God is this the end of the world?" To which Tubal sternly replies, "No, we're just here for a little BREW-haha." HA HA HA right? Well this isn't funny beer nor is it holy. But I did once write the reknowned preacher Jack Van Impe and he told me during his television program broadcast to millions of pilgrims across the globe that even though I was a heathen I had a good heart and was on the right path. With this porter you too are on the right path. Maybe not to salvation or armageddon(be that your thing) but to a little-lot of satisfaction. It's not the velvet licorice of "the Pils" per se nor does it wear the choco-mocha halo that other black lagers do but it definitely brings home a little divinity and by God you need some you little warthogs!

-Wörtwurst