Bell's Wheat Four Ale

  

Bell's Wheat Four Ale
Bell's Brewery
Kalamazoo, MI



I'm not one to stick my snout into the beer glass and take a whiff nor describe color (mostly because I'm red-green colorblind) or m-o-u-t-h-f-e-e-l (I still refuse to acknowledge this as a word!) but this one smells like a hefe-weizen and sans the spoon of caramel it feels like one on my crestfallen tongue. I'm no sycophant for hefes! I want my wheat beers sanitized with over-bearing muscle fruits and not the starchy pic-a-nic basket banana, citrus or cloves that make me cringe upon tasting in a bready beer. Not vastly different from the Wheat Six but minus the slightly smoky and sticky caramel character.


Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin Brochure

New Holland Red Tulip Ale

  

New Holland Red Tulip Ale
New Holland Brewing Company
Holland, MI

This beer is a bit confusing. It pours a black cherry red but comes across tasting quite smoky with a rather malty presence fortified by some sort of faint floral fruitiness and a small tail of cinnaspice. I expected it to taste like blood or for there to be hidden knives or other murder weapons to overpower me with bitterness or stouty milk but instead it lives up to its flowery moniker. This one's a kisser and not a bleeder.

Wörtwurst

Thrift Store Finds

55 cents a piece!!!

Atlantic Coal Porter

  

Atlantic Coal Porter
Atlantic Brewing Company
Bar Harbor & Portland, ME


"I think of you night and day. Day and night, why is it so, that this longing for you follows wherever I go?" so wrote the famous songwriter with the same cognomen(though spelled different). Yes, this brew almost makes you sing. Well, maybe after a few you'd be singing a Mozart libretto in wild jubilee. But this isn't much of an actual singing porter now is it. It's more of spiritual singing. Harps and haloes and angels chorusing above your head in a raucous cloud of ecstasy. Anyhow, back to the anecdotes: the real Cole Porter in his latter years was continuously "breaking appliances so he could lure cute repairmen into his lair"(source: wikipedia.com). Me, I'm just trying to beat back the slutty Budweiser girls from my/your head. Damn perverts and their beerstuff. Yeah, that's the mantra here: another bad play on word double-entendre sort of entry. Which is too bad really because this is a fine porter. On par with my beloved P. P. (sorry, Pontiac Porter). There's nothing like a deep roasted coffee choco (maybe I should just say Chofee for now on and maybe I should stop parenthesizing everything) beer in 75% humidity with the threat of thunderstorms. But this is a fine fine lava java that coupled with a Dogfish Head Inidan Brown Ale has me very tipsy. OK, I'm lit but this beer is centrifugally sound and yummy. Drink it.

Wörtwurst

Anchor Porter

  

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Anchor Porter
Anchor Brewing Co.
San Francisco, CA

You do not know but the Wasabi Pea has told me, "the darker the brain, the better the brew" and so we must listen to the past masters. Furthermore, according to my thrift store stein, "play copious dainty musiks and go to the Queer-Eye Lane Bryant clothiers for mansuits and bedeck thythelf[sic] properly." Ah- but on to the beer! The smokehouse has burned down and the remnants are here in this dense cocoa of soys. CREAMY but not overly bouncy with a tongue-tip of malt residue. A pleasant and likeable porter but not my favorite. Need I remind you ONCE MORE which porter is? I didn't think so.

-Wörtwurst

Pyramid Apricot Weizen

  

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Pyramid Apricot Weizen
Pyramid Brewery
Seattle, WA

I have just confirmed with one of my pansophistic sources of knowledge the physiology (or if we are to give beer and fruit a more human touch: fizzog!) of the apricot and realize that I don't even know what one is. I've had them in dried and perhaps sectioned forms but never in their proper flesh and have no concept of what one looks like. How can this be? Me, the multi-tusked forager that I am should know this. But anyway, Mr. A. Weizen here fits in my like category for fruits and wheats. Citrusy, but a velvety smooth peachy tart that does not become pungent whatsoever. A creamsicle fizzog, air freshener aroma and the body of a 1975 Cheryl Tiegs. No evil eye of Horus here and the little Shesep Ankh in me can't keep his paws off of it. I could easily drink this many times as many different life forms outside of this brain-throttled humanasaurus suit.

-Wörtwurst

Bell's Pale Ale

  

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Bell's Pale Ale
Kalamazoo Brewing Company
Kalamazoo, MI


Lyrics for your pleasure:

I got the fishbine on my mind
And a whore in my heart
Lotta wishtime all the time
It's sure a good place to start

Sorry Charlie Papazian for butchering your name but when the music gets in me it gots ta come out.

-Wörtwurst

Beer Review Caps

Unibroue Maudite

  
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Unibroue Maudite
Unibroue Brewery
Chambly, Quebec

I have found a direct correlation between this brew, the Pringles mascot (of which I am presently partaking of in the form of Salt & Vinegar chips in low-brow fashion), and the now infamous Dr. Z (of Daimler Chrysler fame): they all have a pillowy mustache. It pours big and drinks like a menacing alcoholic storm cloud of vaporish malty meat. Strong enough to be a winter ale but svelte enough to wear a bikini as well. I see now looking at the back of the bottle to use a goblet instead of a tall glass as I've used and thus all of my observations are surely rendered false. So mote it be! May ye vikings traverse the moon and clear the sky until you come full circum into the nether regions back into Satan's arms where all humanity began.

-Wörtwurst

Breckenridge Vanilla Porter

  
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Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Breckenridge Brewery
Denver, CO

Believe all of the billboard hype on this bottle. Very partakable and extremely remarkable. I can't vouch for the seldom seen and never duplicated part as I've only seen it once (and was never looking for it or knew of its existence) and had only one vanilla porter but this beer smashes me open and let's loose all that bottled up mouthfeel and flabby quaffability I've restrained from using in my vocabulary. Again, against the grain, I partake of the porter in the summertime and am a happy lark. I'm literally licking the inside of the glass for more of this neopolitanic java mousse of brews. Deep-cocoa and the creamy maltiness of whipped cream scoured with copious amounts of coffee and vanilla beans. Maybe I'm lit but this ranks with the afforementioned to death (ad nauseum) Pontiac Porter and The Poet by New Holland as my favorite dark (and consequently my favorite favorite). What the hell...it's my new favorite.

-Wörtwurst

De Regenboog Vuuve

  
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De Regenboog Vuuve
Brouwerij De Regenboog
Belgium

Wow, goddammit! Zing! Pow! This is a tangy sweet citrusy pale witbier reminiscent of an unspiced Jolly Pumpkin brew but much sweeter without the balancing spices. No apparent malt or hop bite and that's probably for the best because it seems well served as a candy. It's ironic that I found this seeing as I was in search of a relative or rival to the Jolly Pumpkin brews. It doesn't quite have the deft touch of a Ron Jeffries master creation but this is a good little monster to keep in the fridge to give the ants hope and the little lady a break from num-nums.

Note for the cognoscenti: serve at 45 degrees with a King Size Kit Kat (2 for $2 at your local Speedway.).

-Wörtwurst

King Two Fisted Old Ale

  
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King Two Fisted Old Ale
King Brewing Co
Pontiac, MI

It's back to supremacy for the old king with this palate washing astringent. It starts as a heavy citrus and alcohol vapor that shrouds the roof of the mouth with a warming permafrost that soon gives way to a roasty toasty caramel malt gum of sorts. It first reminded me of Bells' Two Hearted Ale but no lingering citrus grove waterfall of rinds ensued. Plus this biter goes over to the darkside and sticks out its chin like a fighter but quickly pulls back in time to show that he is a gentleman of favorable repute. Unlike the previous two King entries this one gave a full foam even though it quickly dissipated. The picture above has suffered for its art seeing as it is blurry but was the best representation of the exploding head which first sprung forth. Not something I would drink regularly but then again I never drink anything regularly anyhow.

-Wörtwurst

King Irish Red Ale

  
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King Irish Red Ale
King Brewing Co
Pontiac, MI

Irish eyes aren't exactly smiling on this one. Then again neither are my half Polish-Eurotrash eyes. I'm just going to come out and call this one Maltburger. It's malt on undistiguishable malt with some red food coloring and the hops that got away. Flat as a comma and just as unremarkable tasting. I've done everything but strafe my tongue with a fork or sharp razor to squeeze some kind of taste out of this bleeding overflow pipe and I'm getting nothing. My guess is that this beer has sat on a shelf or under a bake light for about two years and lost its entire identity. Either way I still haven't lost faith in my friend Pontiac Porter. God Bless you for that King Brewery.

-Wörtwurst

Buffalo Bill's Orange Blossom Cream Ale

  
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Buffalo Bill's Orange Blossom Cream Ale
Buffalo Bill's Brewery
Hayward, CA

I'll be the first to admit that I am a sucker for the "gimmick" and craft fringe beers with fruit and spice and chocolate and whatever else you can fit into a beer whilst still retaining the appearance of beer. This is more like an alcoholic orange drink or to a lesser extent a wine cooler but then again it is called Orange Blossom Cream Ale so that shouldn't be so surprising should it? The orange flavor overrides everything but it still has a zing to it and is smooth and no wild citrus bite. Plus it has a malty-orange scent that confirms that it is in fact beer. So don't feel like a prissy little man drinking it. It could be worse, you could actually be a prissy little man drinking whiskey and making a fool of yourself smashing chairs and tables and tearing through the screen door and running out naked into the street screaming obscenities. Just try it you crybaby!

-Wörtwurst

Sierra Nevada Porter

  
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Sierra Nevada Porter
Sierra Nevada Brewing Co.
Chico, CA

I got out my stout porter owl glass for this one in anticipation of a stodgy boilermaker. It doesn't disappoint with chocolately coffee richness but then again it didn't exceed my expectations either. If you've read one of my stout-porter reviews you've basically read them all sans the various jargon and hyperbole bandied about. Then again I'll still rate this a hair beneath Pontiac Porter as I have all other porters due to the afforementioned's twang of spice which it exudes. Plus Sierra-Nevada is well-established and I'd rather support the local brewery with the better product.

-Wörtwurst

King Mocha Java Stout

  
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King Mocha Java Stout
King Brewing Co
Pontiac, MI

Ahhhhh- flat as a tea saucer tipped with a puddle of rich java up to the first ring. With relatively no carbonation this is quite literally a beer coffee and not the other way around. I'm not sure why the last two King brews I've had have been relatively low carbonation but it is affecting my judgement considerably. Maybe they intended it to be that way. I'm hoping based on my fortuitous Pontiac Porter experiences that it's a handling and not a quality or production problem. Otherwise this is quite potent with a goodly amount of mocha and stern coffee. Not as strong as the coma-inducing The Poet by New Holland but this one puts me a few steps away from the spinning vortex of a vertigo attack. Woosh wooosh woooosh away and into the Hitchcockian plasma of lost gravity.

-Wörtwurst

Postscript: The flatness was an isolated incident. I had another bottle and all is well here. Almost as strong as New Holland's The Poet (of which I had a badly skunked bottle yesterday!!!) but not quite.

-W

Great Lakes Holy Moses White Ale

  
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Great Lakes Holy Moses White Ale
Great Lakes Brewing Company
Cleveland, OH

This one started off with a crusty circle of white yeast shadowing the bottom of the 12 oz bottle and quickly became muckraked as I pulled one of two mixed six packs from a wine box and attempted to put it in the fridge. The Holy M tagged along with the first carton and tumbled to the floor. Bad beginnings but luckily I had my frosty plastic mug in the freezer and poured the beer in there and let it cool. As you can see it still retained a big creamy vanilla afro (Look at how dull it is even in a Stroh's glass!). However, the taste is flat and white breadish with only a few hints of light spice and lemony snickets. This ain't no Jolly Pumpkin Calabaza but it does have a rememberance of the be-staffed Nietzsche's only visit to the mirage of Cleveland off Lake Erie on the bottle and that counts for something doesn't it? "No, not really," sayeth the chorus.

-Wörtwurst

King Crown Brown Ale

  
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King Crown Brown Ale
King Brewing Co
Pontiac, MI

A flat deep chestnut cho-c-offee smoke flavor that probably was robust at some point before a storestockclerk shook the package and ruined my little goldmine. Other than that it's very throaty and congeals in the membrane making for a hearty little fire in the ribs. Comparable to Ellie's Brown Ale but un-neutered and ready for some leg-humping. I need to stop being so cheap and buy more of their brews seeing how much I like the Pontiac Porter and actually crave it when I want the heavy heavies (which is most of the time). I'm sick of paying bills anyhow.

-Wörtwurst

Harpoon Winter Warmer

  
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Harpoon Winter Warmer
Harpoon Brewery
Boston, MA

The old clever cliche of Christmas in July hasn't been lost on me. Except that it's mid-August and the nights have become autumnally cool and I'm spreading holiday cheer from the warmth of the bathtub. This beer pops and hisses from the bottle to glass like a fizzy whirligig throwing off sparks and settles restlessly leaving a ring of shaggy white beard at the top edge. Unsensically I opted to drink this at room temperature, being the impatient child that I am, but "wisely" used the hillbilly faux pas redeemer and ice-cubed it. This did nothing to quell the thinned lava of brooding blood. The taste resonates with this effervesense. It is reminiscent of those oft-seen and consumed holiday sugar cookies slathered with frosting and those red and green crystals bedecking the figuers of snowmen, reindeers and bells. What fake spice is that anyway? Kringleander. Ho ho ha ha ho. It finishes by leaving a pepperminty haze in the upper extremities. All this and I still didn't really care for it that much but am morbidly attracted to its festive spirit. At 99 cents per bottle I'll be sure to get another handful to savor in the wintertide months.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams James Madison Dark Wheat Ale

  
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Samuel Adams James Madison Dark Wheat Ale
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

This brew is like finding a few dollars in your winter coat when you first put it on and dig through the pockets after the long six month vacation from the cold and venture outside into the snow. Unfortunately for you you need ten dollars to save your ass from the local thugs that are going to take your coat and hock it at the pawn shop and snowball your face. Strangely enough they want to buy some Bell's Porter because nowadays everyone is a beer connoisseur. Anyhow... seeing as I haven't had many dark wheat beers besides the Hacker-Pschorr 5,000 mile travelled, shakened and stirred weiss dunke I'm going to compare this to a weak porter or a porous stout. About as dense bodywise and as flavorful as Ellie's Brown but a little more corpulent with some sweet smoke to it. Something equal to the task of starting a fire inside your guts or putting one out in your fireplace.

-Wörtwurst

Dixie Crimson Voodoo Ale

Click to play video
Directed and filmed by Wörtwurst
Demonstration by Wörtwurst

  
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Dixie Crimson Voodoo Ale
Dixie Brewing Co.
New Orleans, LA

While sifting through thrift store wares today for a drinking glass I had a decision between three glasses and chose two: an imprinted tall cylinder with various designs and origins of guns and a half wine half beer mug (a wug). The third was more wine-ish with a delicate flower shape and a paper thin rim. Why is this important? Because there seems to be this mainstream push to put beer in the same prestige as wine. I'm not sure why this is. But there are guys sniffing beer with their nose halfway to the stem and commenting on quaffability and so forth. It seems a bit unfortunate trying to group together the two distinct concoctions. Not only that but the over-intellectualization of drink seems a bit bizarre to me. Oh well...off the soapbox and into the suds.

This crimson ale is rife with malty goodness and spiked just as evenly with a fruity bite. It threatens to go over to the darkside but pulls back and comes across more as a fruit beer than a standard red ale. Though it has a tendency to taste like a wine cooler it doesn't quite go that far and thus is a salvageable alternative for my dark craving brain.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams George Washington Porter

  
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Samuel Adams George Washington Porter
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

In general I think it's pretty difficult to muddle a porter or a stout to the point of undrinkability and this holds true here with the Geo. Wash. Porter. That's not to say it's a favored porter of mine and that I devour it with a mouthful of assorted animal and human teeth while donning my pooped up powdered wig because it definitely isn't and I surely am not. I'm laboring to drink this peculiar dark like old Geo. must have labored while chopping down the fictitious cherry tree. I cannot tell a lie: this is the lousiest porter I've had to date. It's like this barbeque chicken I made over the 4th of July that got too much smoke and though it tasted like chicken it tasted more like bad chicken than good chicken. Hence, I'm growing grey in your service while drinking this black candy concoction. I'd much rather be changing in a dollar bill for four quarters and pretending that they are silver dollars and that the Detroit River is the Potomac and I can hit the far bank with one manly drunken toss. And on Christmas Eve I'll travel through the snow and lead a sneak attack against your sleeping Hessian beer cooler and all America will be free to drink porter. Just not this one.

-Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin Maracaibo Especial

  
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Jolly Pumpkin Maracaibo Especial
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

I like to carry the expended bottle caps from my open brews in the pockets of my shorts for a few hours to jangle around with the silver pieces and keys. It's like a currency until I drop them into my wicker basket of used caps. Now I'm thinking about how I can carry the pint + 9.4 oz wine-like bottles from Jolly Pumpkin on me. A holster with a bullet belt for the caps? A sidecar with my favorite pet in tow like a motorcycle has? Maybe even an IV bag to keep me from certain dehydration?

This one starts with the typical fruity keg-o'spice and then languidly ends with a gradual fog of descending cacao cloudiness. Not how I prefer my darker beers to be but this one tricks the palate into believing that there are actually two beers at work here and really in essence there are: the standard fare high quality super mofo Jolly Pumpkin brew with a russet echo.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Traditional Ginger Honey Ale

  
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Samuel Adams Traditional Ginger Honey Ale
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

It's ironic that just a short time ago I pronounced that the Boston Brewing Co. was the most consistent macro of micros that I've come across. Not only that but the best micro of micros and so forth as well. Well, with the latest samplings from their Brewer Patriot Collection and my recent over-indulgence in Jolly Pumpkin's rare-fare I've changed my mind. Mostly because of Jolly Pumpkin but also because of this over-priced craft sampling. This one is a cross between their Summer Ale and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale methinks. Not tart enough to be the Summer Ale and not bitter enough to be the Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. This is something I wouldn't drink again unless I was under the duress of a feverish cold.

-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Root Beer Brew

  
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Samuel Adams Root Beer Brew
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

There is no nacrous cloud put forth by this brew but maybe there should be. It's more like a mushroom cloud of gummed up gutter drainage followed up by the broth it stews in. This actually tastes like a homeade rootbeer I made about 10 years ago. It had this sour taste of licorice and spoiled water. After it was brewed I kept adding vanilla extract and sugar to it to try to coax out some sweetness but it was pure bitter putridness. This is by far the worst beer I've ever tasted. Worse than Bud Light ten fold. Worse than Colt 45. Worse than my ill-fated bungless carboy rootbeer of a decade ago. Not even worth the novelty appeal it professes. And to think that I opted for this over Jolly Pumpkin's Maracaibo Especial tonight.

-Wörtwurst

Paulaner Hefe-Weizen

  
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Paulaner Hefe-Weizen
Paulaner Brewing Co.
Munich, Germany

Give something a head and it comes alive. Give it a body and it's an animal of sorts. Give it a name and it's an historical fact. Give it fungus and sweetness and it becomes a hefe-weizen. This beer and its cohorts are just not for me. Sweet malty bread in a bottle may be European for purity and beer but to me it's the last stage before candy goes stale and cannot be consumed for enjoyment. Enjoyment to me is a confidence of similar likes. There is no need to force it together for an expected end, it'll just happen. This isn't happening for me on any level.

-Wörtwurst

Avery Ellie's Brown Ale

  

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Avery Ellie's Brown Ale
Avery Brewing Company
Boulder, CO

The handsome dog on the label aside, this is the middle class man's choco-coffee stout (of which I am the lower dregs). As opposed to say a New Holland's Poet or King's Pontiac Porter this is a smidge watered-down as is their intention according to their label rhetoric. I approve of this but only wish that the taste was more in the body than in the aftertaste. It comes across as a medium Lite Dark as opposed to the black tartar morass that I am and crave more of. A mysterious shadow whom intrigues moreso than a dark figure who leads you away to unknown places.

-Wörtwurst

Bell's Best Brown Ale

  
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Bell's Best Brown Ale
Bell's Brewing Co.
Kalamazoo, MI

This is reminiscent of the Hacker-Pschorr that I just reviewd but encumbered with beer-nuts and I do mean cajones. Dense as a Polaroid picture and brown gravy and rye. Hack off some marble cheddar and hot pepper jack and make yourself a feast of post-fermentables and livestock. Please put away your virgins though because Moloch reigns supreme here.

-Wörtwurst

Hacker-Pschorr Weisse Dark

  
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Hacker-Pschorr Weisse Dark
Hacker-Pschorr Brewing Co.
Munich, Germany

If this stuff wasn't crafted in 1516 by Martin Luther himself (I'm lying) foretelling the birth and brilliance of Richard Wagner (aka the white Redd Foxx)(Again I'm lying.) I'd say it could pass for a jailhouse beer of bread, water and sugar sifted through a sweaty t-shirt. Not that it's a terribly crafted beer but it tastes like Kroger Wheat Bread liquified into a weak cider and then thickened with whole milk. Very malty and creamy but a copper dark instead of the midnite brown I prefer whilst drinking in the hot flames of hell (In fact if I was standing on Satan's shoulders with my skin peeling off I'd drink a schwarzbier.)(Not lying).

-Wörtwurst

North Coast Scrimshaw Pilsner

  
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North Coast Scrimshaw Pilsner
North Coast Brewing Co.
Fort Bragg, CA

I don't get into the hot weather cold light beer dark mishmash way of thinking of when how to drink a beer. You're the mouth and the bottle is the servant. You drink it when you want to. Then again maybe you don't. I only drink them to do reviews seeing as 95% of the stuff I've tried I never will again. Anyway this is citrus drop on a bronze platter. As the bottle banner pronounces, you won't rip your sails on this one and the whales will swim next to your paddle boat sometimes leaping across the rigging and smiling in sync with your tangy pils and your laughing kisser.


-Wörtwurst

Samuel Adams Octoberfest

  
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Samuel Adams Octoberfest
Boston Brewing Co.
Boston, MA

Six months past the expiration date but still pumpkin-y squash-y and gooey butter rum tasty. Feels like autumn and in my man-heart it's leaves falling and old men smoking pipe tobacco at the fishing docks wondering where summer went. There's crisp air and scraping sounds on sidewalks in here, light sweaters and argyle socks, sundown at six-thirty-five and stew with bread. Other than the C in Octoberfest this plays by the rules and gets top grades. No dunce cap or reasons to send in the gendarmes for thee.

-Wörtwurst

Leinenkugel Sunset Wheat

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Leinenkugel Sunset Wheat
J. L. Leinenkugel Brewing Company
Chippewa Falls, WI

This is the kind of sour you get from kissing your own sister(I can say this because I don't have one.). Sour because she is beautiful and you are in love and you have yet to learn that she is indeed your sister. A chance encounter kind of sour but with this one you're perpetually suspended in the moment that you are first told so that sour is good and the world is still beautiful and you're in love and your sister is still your girl. You get the point. A renegade wheat beer with a pucker face that doesn't go into a full blown suck. Light, citrusy and tangy as a nine volt battery.

-Wörtwurst

Jolly Pumpkin La Roja

  

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Jolly Pumpkin La Roja
Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales
Dexter, MI

La-RRRRRRRRRooooow-haaaaa! I say it multiple times in conjunction with any thought of Le Jolly Punkie. It gets me excited for some reason. I've actually day-dreamed about their brews due to their distinct and original spices, tang and the extreme quality of the product. It's like fresh milk refrigerated in the cow's udder that you can tap your lips into. I also have a tic where I will only buy directly from the brewery so this limits my consumption to a few bottles monthly.

This is an explosive cherry-berry dyed henna with sour bursts. The alkie content is elevated and a cranberry cocktail bomb explodes from the foamscud and makes ruin of the common lot beer and lambics as well. Fresh fresh fresh in your mouth like a miniature Hiroshima making fruit-spice armageddon. Ron Jeffries will make a drunk of me yet.

-Wörtwurst